Wonder without wandering is limited.
I want to experience God. I love to learn about God, don’t get me wrong, but I want more than just a head knowledge of Him. I want to feel Him, literally, when chills run down my spine. I want to stand dumb-struck when He is so evident in what I am experiencing I can’t even speak. I want to lie in wonder when He has been so real and seems so close as to be trying to make me think of new things. I want to experience Him. I learn about Him in wonder, I experience Him in wandering. It is interesting how God called so many to go, or sent so many wandering. Abraham – wandering along wondering – where am I going? Moses – wandering along side wilderness creatures wondering what happened. Jonah into hostile, or so he thought, territory. Jesus and twelve confused but committed followers. I think we experience more of God in an open field, a boat, a desert, an airport or village than we do an office or maybe even a church. So I am not content to sit and wonder in my office or church. I want to die wandering and wondering. I want to live in the fields and deserts meeting people, or meeting Jesus often times disguised as people. He is hard to notice – not what you would expect a king to look like – but He is there.
So, I encourage you to wander. Take that trip – better yet - give your life to Africa, or Mexico, or the cities or the poor. Venture out of your comfortable offices, churches and homes and wander with Jesus. Expect to experience God. I think it is ironic how I hear, so often, of people wanting to go to Israel to “walk where Jesus walked.” I walk where Jesus walked every day, among the poor and broken masses of the world. Better yet I walk with and meet and minister with and to Jesus every day among the least the world has to offer. Could we have it backwards? Could it be the least the world has to offer is the best God offers us? Could it be when we meet the poor in the eyes of the world we are actually meeting the richest? Could it be our greatest source of inspiration could come from those with STD’s not PHD’s? Wouldn’t it be wild if we were paying $100,000 fees for the chance to meet and hear a poor man – expecting to meet and hear Jesus, instead of high dollars to hear the rich and successful political powers of this world. Could we be missing out on experiencing God because we see through the eyes of the world and not the eyes of God. We sit comfortably in christian cuddles and holy huddles – sheltered from the very face of God by our walls which don’t hold Him in, as we seem to think, but may separate us from Him just outside on the corner?
To all my old and new students and anyone who may read this - wander outside your home, your office, your church, your neighborhood, your city, your state, your nation, your safety net, your life and experience God. It is a Wonder-ful experience. Still wandering and wondering - Jim
Friday, February 16, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Wandering and wondering together.
I am learning to like this new found form of wandering and wondering together. I am not big on email - so impersonal and mutted (many of you know this by my impersonal and mutted replies). But this has some strange element of personality and voice to it. Not simply mine but others. Hearing from one recalling the conversations and journey through the early years of carpenter's ministries made me recall and realize the shared journey and all that was wondered and learned together from that shared journey. One person writing and recalling the times God seemed to hide His face from her and realizing revelation was coming in those times makes me wonder again at just how God does work with us and within us. One who writes from Africa reminding me of my early journeys there. The lonliness and wonder of a new people in a new and unfamiliar place. I sometimes wonder how I made it then and there and I realize I wandered and wondered through it because of Tim Talley, and PK, and Bab's and Beckloff and Conder and the traveling party grew to include my own children and fellow Africans. I was not alone. And in the presence of so many - God is present. I wonder if that is key? Isn't that what he said when two or more are together... Could it be that wandering together and wondering together is, at least partially how God works with us and within us?
I am learning that all my times together with fellow journeymen are God times. Often they seem to be more God times than organized God times. I wonder if that could be because of the lack of wonder in our organized God times. Does this make sense? Sometime I feel we leave no room for God in our time together. It often seems the formality and over organization of God time whether assemblies, bible study or prayer time seem absent of God and the wonder He provokes. As I look back over my 25 years of mission and ministry and the many journeys involved in those 25 years, I am finding God in my coversation and wanderings with my co-workers, Kids (students) and fellow strugglers, more because of our uncertainty of everything and freedom to be real about it than our incredible insight into scripture and life and God.
One wrote "The best thing of all, is that when I fell in love with those suffering around me, MY suffering began to lessen! Could it be that it is shared suffering which begins to ease our suffering? Could that not be part of what Jesus was all about? I do not want to travel alone. I do not believe we are meant to travel alone. I believe traveling, wandering, wondering together is part of all of our ministries. Each of you remind me of the joy of my journey thus far and cause me to anticipate more joyful (not meaning always happy) journeys with you and others like you.
I guess what I am wondering out loud on your behalf about is your ministry as well as mine. Find someone or someones to wander with (I think ministry and mission is foundationally hanging out together. Experience life with them - share your life (all of it - good and bad) with them.) And do not be afraid to wonder. Don't be afraid of feeling dumb, or stupid, or ignorant - in fact worry about those who seem to know it all (not always the best travel partners.) Wonder, pray, talk, converse outloud together - and invite God into the journey. He gives enlightenment or revelation into our situations and world. I guess I am redefining my mission for many of my old students. Spend quality, unstructured time (tea and coffee always help this part) with people. Have real, transparent and vulnerable conversations together. Look for God to step in with insight and understanding. And above all Love well. In the midst of the journey love well. I wonder if that is really what it is all about anyway? More later.
I am learning that all my times together with fellow journeymen are God times. Often they seem to be more God times than organized God times. I wonder if that could be because of the lack of wonder in our organized God times. Does this make sense? Sometime I feel we leave no room for God in our time together. It often seems the formality and over organization of God time whether assemblies, bible study or prayer time seem absent of God and the wonder He provokes. As I look back over my 25 years of mission and ministry and the many journeys involved in those 25 years, I am finding God in my coversation and wanderings with my co-workers, Kids (students) and fellow strugglers, more because of our uncertainty of everything and freedom to be real about it than our incredible insight into scripture and life and God.
One wrote "The best thing of all, is that when I fell in love with those suffering around me, MY suffering began to lessen! Could it be that it is shared suffering which begins to ease our suffering? Could that not be part of what Jesus was all about? I do not want to travel alone. I do not believe we are meant to travel alone. I believe traveling, wandering, wondering together is part of all of our ministries. Each of you remind me of the joy of my journey thus far and cause me to anticipate more joyful (not meaning always happy) journeys with you and others like you.
I guess what I am wondering out loud on your behalf about is your ministry as well as mine. Find someone or someones to wander with (I think ministry and mission is foundationally hanging out together. Experience life with them - share your life (all of it - good and bad) with them.) And do not be afraid to wonder. Don't be afraid of feeling dumb, or stupid, or ignorant - in fact worry about those who seem to know it all (not always the best travel partners.) Wonder, pray, talk, converse outloud together - and invite God into the journey. He gives enlightenment or revelation into our situations and world. I guess I am redefining my mission for many of my old students. Spend quality, unstructured time (tea and coffee always help this part) with people. Have real, transparent and vulnerable conversations together. Look for God to step in with insight and understanding. And above all Love well. In the midst of the journey love well. I wonder if that is really what it is all about anyway? More later.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Wondering about my wanderings and their relation to my wonderings? Huh?
Wondering about my wanderings and their relation to my wonderings? Huh?
I realize something. My wondering is prompted by my wandering. I can look back and see that my wandering or journeys in life (often times in the wilderness – personal and public) prompt wonder ( and remember my wonder produces faith and my faith action). Here I go trying to explain again. The more I wander in life the more I wonder. When I struggle with my personal weaknesses or wander through it (many know I struggled with drugs and alcohol as a young man and still battle addictive tendencies) it makes me wonder about life, and sin, and mercy and grace and redemption and patience and kindness and such. I think about them because they are part of the journey.
When I wander through my childhood and the abrupt change brought to my peaceful little world by murder and trials and new people in my life it makes me wonder. Where was God when all this was going on (I think I know the answer to that – I wonder “see” if He wasn’t sitting down the street in a church full of people feeling pious about their proper doctrinal stance). It makes me wonder why me and mine? It made me wonder what if??? It makes me wonder if life is valuable. It makes me wonder how it impacted me even now. And it makes me ask God these questions and seek answers and my faith has grown from the wandering, wondering and searching.
My wanderings in Africa for almost eleven years made me wonder so much. I wonder why some people have so much and some have so little and how those who have so much can be so comfortable with this injustice? I wondered what forces were at work which could so oppress a people and a whole new realm of spiritual warfare was opened up to me. I stood in wonder as I found jewels of culture insight which seemed to have been placed there by God himself to help me teach the people about His true nature. I wondered how to make a difference in peoples and cultures lives thus worldview understandings and power became known to me. I wondered what my job was and I learned to often times simply be available and love.
My wandering at LCU (remember I consider the professor part of my title to be with a little, tiny P ) I wondered at the beginning of my journey there – why I was there? I was and still am the proverbial fish out of water. I wondered (often times in tears) if I would ever feel and recognize the sense of fulfillment and purpose I felt in Kenya. I wondered if I could love people here (who I perceived to be the comfortable) as much as I love the Giryama. And I began to grow and learn my mission was to God and people (broken people) and they exist in America as well as Africa. I learned poverty is not only financial and Americans in many ways have more poverty than Africans (thank you Ruby Payne). I continue to realize I can love here as much as I did there and I can find purpose here. I wondered “if they really knew me” would they allow me to stay at LCU? The wondering about “if people really know me, will they like me?” is a common one for most of us I am realizing. And I wonder what new insights concerning God, His Kingdom and life I will come to understand in my continued wanderings through the halls and malls and people of LCU?
And maybe most significant my wanderings have brought me full circle and I find myself now wandering and wondering alongside drug addicted, alcoholic, sex controlled, homeless and impoverished people in the inner-city – AND I LOVE IT. How could I not, the wonder provoked by a God who walks so comfortably among the least of the world is mind boggling and refreshing. I wonder how a people or person who has gone through so much in life can still be so soft when we break through the surface. How could they survive so much with so little support from so few in their lives? And my wondering reveals God imbedded in the least of these – and I realize God sustained them because God loves them. And I realize He called me to love them too. And wonder of it all I find them easy to love.
So I continue to wander through life and ministry and wonder (now I am wondering out loud) with those I wander with. And, I am realizing this is ministry and mission. Think about it. What did Jesus do? Did he not wander with His disciples into Samaritan villages, seashore gatherings, graveyards, even temples and ask searching questions of His followers? Did He not wonder about the Kingdom of God (is like…). Did he not challenge them to see the temple within themselves, flesh and blood – not brick and mortar? Was it not his actions as much as His words which provoked wonder? We wander and wonder together. This takes courage and humility for many, courage to leave our comfortable positions on pews and perceptions and venture out into the world among people. And humility to admit we may not see as clearly or completely as we had assumed.
So I refuse to sit stagnant in preaching or practice. I long to wander among the broken, the least, and wonder where I will see Jesus among them for I know He dwells with them. I long to wander outside our church walls and onto the fringe of darkness and wonder how the light within me will effect that darkness – for I know it lies within me. I long to wander side by side with my peers, my students, my broken friends and wonder about God and life and death and pain and suffering and family and kingdom and heaven and hell and Jesus and ministry and mission and prayer and power and me and God. I want to wonder out loud with safe, trusted, transparent people who are just as vulnerable as I to the confusion and conflict of this present world. And, I believe this is ministry at it best as practiced and presented by Jesus himself. It was he who said “as the father sent me so send I you.” and, “If I your lord and master can wash your feet…” and, “Love as I have loved you…” And I could go on and on but I will leave you to wonder more about it. The exciting thing is; you do not wonder alone, even when you wonder alone. I wonder what I mean by that?
I realize something. My wondering is prompted by my wandering. I can look back and see that my wandering or journeys in life (often times in the wilderness – personal and public) prompt wonder ( and remember my wonder produces faith and my faith action). Here I go trying to explain again. The more I wander in life the more I wonder. When I struggle with my personal weaknesses or wander through it (many know I struggled with drugs and alcohol as a young man and still battle addictive tendencies) it makes me wonder about life, and sin, and mercy and grace and redemption and patience and kindness and such. I think about them because they are part of the journey.
When I wander through my childhood and the abrupt change brought to my peaceful little world by murder and trials and new people in my life it makes me wonder. Where was God when all this was going on (I think I know the answer to that – I wonder “see” if He wasn’t sitting down the street in a church full of people feeling pious about their proper doctrinal stance). It makes me wonder why me and mine? It made me wonder what if??? It makes me wonder if life is valuable. It makes me wonder how it impacted me even now. And it makes me ask God these questions and seek answers and my faith has grown from the wandering, wondering and searching.
My wanderings in Africa for almost eleven years made me wonder so much. I wonder why some people have so much and some have so little and how those who have so much can be so comfortable with this injustice? I wondered what forces were at work which could so oppress a people and a whole new realm of spiritual warfare was opened up to me. I stood in wonder as I found jewels of culture insight which seemed to have been placed there by God himself to help me teach the people about His true nature. I wondered how to make a difference in peoples and cultures lives thus worldview understandings and power became known to me. I wondered what my job was and I learned to often times simply be available and love.
My wandering at LCU (remember I consider the professor part of my title to be with a little, tiny P ) I wondered at the beginning of my journey there – why I was there? I was and still am the proverbial fish out of water. I wondered (often times in tears) if I would ever feel and recognize the sense of fulfillment and purpose I felt in Kenya. I wondered if I could love people here (who I perceived to be the comfortable) as much as I love the Giryama. And I began to grow and learn my mission was to God and people (broken people) and they exist in America as well as Africa. I learned poverty is not only financial and Americans in many ways have more poverty than Africans (thank you Ruby Payne). I continue to realize I can love here as much as I did there and I can find purpose here. I wondered “if they really knew me” would they allow me to stay at LCU? The wondering about “if people really know me, will they like me?” is a common one for most of us I am realizing. And I wonder what new insights concerning God, His Kingdom and life I will come to understand in my continued wanderings through the halls and malls and people of LCU?
And maybe most significant my wanderings have brought me full circle and I find myself now wandering and wondering alongside drug addicted, alcoholic, sex controlled, homeless and impoverished people in the inner-city – AND I LOVE IT. How could I not, the wonder provoked by a God who walks so comfortably among the least of the world is mind boggling and refreshing. I wonder how a people or person who has gone through so much in life can still be so soft when we break through the surface. How could they survive so much with so little support from so few in their lives? And my wondering reveals God imbedded in the least of these – and I realize God sustained them because God loves them. And I realize He called me to love them too. And wonder of it all I find them easy to love.
So I continue to wander through life and ministry and wonder (now I am wondering out loud) with those I wander with. And, I am realizing this is ministry and mission. Think about it. What did Jesus do? Did he not wander with His disciples into Samaritan villages, seashore gatherings, graveyards, even temples and ask searching questions of His followers? Did He not wonder about the Kingdom of God (is like…). Did he not challenge them to see the temple within themselves, flesh and blood – not brick and mortar? Was it not his actions as much as His words which provoked wonder? We wander and wonder together. This takes courage and humility for many, courage to leave our comfortable positions on pews and perceptions and venture out into the world among people. And humility to admit we may not see as clearly or completely as we had assumed.
So I refuse to sit stagnant in preaching or practice. I long to wander among the broken, the least, and wonder where I will see Jesus among them for I know He dwells with them. I long to wander outside our church walls and onto the fringe of darkness and wonder how the light within me will effect that darkness – for I know it lies within me. I long to wander side by side with my peers, my students, my broken friends and wonder about God and life and death and pain and suffering and family and kingdom and heaven and hell and Jesus and ministry and mission and prayer and power and me and God. I want to wonder out loud with safe, trusted, transparent people who are just as vulnerable as I to the confusion and conflict of this present world. And, I believe this is ministry at it best as practiced and presented by Jesus himself. It was he who said “as the father sent me so send I you.” and, “If I your lord and master can wash your feet…” and, “Love as I have loved you…” And I could go on and on but I will leave you to wonder more about it. The exciting thing is; you do not wonder alone, even when you wonder alone. I wonder what I mean by that?
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Faith and wonder?
Confessions of a Convicted and Confused Professor
By Jim Beck
Teachers of missions 2007
I take the last part of that statement quite lightly. I am not professor material. I am not nearly as intelligent as my colleges in the bible dept at LCU or most of you. In reality I am simply an old drinker and drugie from the oilfields of Andrews Texas redeemed by a merciful God. For that reason I sometimes hesitate connection and interaction for fear my ignorance show. I am confessional (any student who has ever sat in class with me or any of you who have come to know me could confirm that. And I am convicted and passionate about Jesus (I hope they could confirm that as well). I really like His style, His way although I don’t often reflect them and therein lay my conviction and confusion.
In this confusion and conviction I have been doing some searching and suffering. Searching for a more “real” relationship with God and suffering because I am not finding it as I have expected. And on occasion when I do I realize I find Him, He seems to be in all the wrong places (in my drug addicted friends, the visitor off the streets without a home, the person who has lost everything, the radical non-conforming college kid) not in the places I have been led to expect to find Him. So the other night I cried out (nights are special times of connection and wonder) I had a long conversation with God. I cried (literally) for God to give me a plan, a vision, a blueprint of what this Christian thing is all about and how I fit into it (or maybe live outside what it has become) – and He answered but not as I expected. First, He reminded me he has sent a vision (and the word became flesh and we saw Him) and a blue print in Jesus. The problem is not that it is not evident; the problem is that I am not willing to truly see and follow.
He answered me with uncertainty. But this uncertainty I now realize, is leading me to faith. My uncertainty and questions concerning the seen are opening my imagination to the unseen and the certain unknown vastness of it. As I stand in and on the edge of the precipisless plane of God I realize how little I know (I see so unclearly and know so few parts -1Cor 13) and even how unsure I am about many of those things I think I do know – but this ignites wonder in me and wonder inspires faith.
Let me attempt to explain
I am not sure about church. I am not completely convinced that what we see as church and sometime fight so adamantly for are completely what God intended. But this uncertainty causes me to wonder could I be missing something , and if so, what am I missing? Could there be more to being a people called out of darkness into light, redeemed, refined, renewed and re-commissioned (a process I realize happens over and over in my life). Could it be about more than a “certain” set of beliefs, rituals and rules. About more than names on buildings, practices inside buildings and structures set to govern them. Could it have something to do with shared community, common journeys, safe places to fall and feel wanted and needed. I wonder what it could be and I find that I am wonder-full of the unknown expanse of god which I do not completely know and my faith in the unknown and unseen grows.
I am not sure about worship. I am not completely sure that my worship or our worship for that matter is determined by one hour one day a week. And my unsurety of the seen ignites wonder within me. Could worship be more than I realize? Could it be inspired by falling into the presence of God in all the unexpected places? Could it be the awe inspired when I found God had been present in the African stories and rituals of the Giryama that I so cleverly and creatively contextulized as “I took God to them?” Could it be the speechless stand provoked so often in me when I see Jesus in the poor the begger on the corner or the one struggling with drug addiction in my church; when I see glimpses of God’s love in them which I sometimes do not see in His followers. And could it be more about how I respond to them (the least) and therefore respond to Him which may have some impact or bearing on my worship of Him? I am not sure – and that uncertainty ignites wonder and that wonder inspires faith in the unseen.
I am not sure who is in and who is out? Who belongs and who should be rejected? Honestly, I not sure if that was meant to be my role in the first place? I am not sure about the criteria I have placed upon people as a litmus test for belonging? And it ignites wonder in me. And I wonder if as I once heard “disciples are know by their love” not simply their earthly associations and religious practices? I’m not sure if belonging and love was ever meant to be conditional. And I wonder if more would find love and belonging In Christ and among us for that matter if it seemed as if there weren’t seemingly conditions? That wonder inspires faith within me, and I am beginning to realize faith initiates action and I believe ( I think – I am not completely sure) I am learning to love and accept others unconditionally a little like Jesus.
I am not sure about missions. I am not sure my emphasis, seemingly first and foremost on church planting and not love was adequate? I am not sure that my going and doing should not have focused first on going and being… And I wonder if being merciful is different from showing mercy, if biting my tongue is different from being patient, if telling someone I love them is different from being loving? And I wonder if I sought first to love as He loved, could I inspire or instruct others around me to love as He loved and could they become a community of love and unity – thus fulfilling His means for the world knowing Jesus was sent by God and actually identifying who His disciples are? Wonder inspires faith, faith initiates action, and possibly action becomes love first and foremost. I wonder?
And I am not sure about me. I am not sure how I have lived for so long with so much among so many who have so little and remained comfortable and content with my life. I am not sure how I have stood as judge upon people (many I did not know) for so long deciding whether to show mercy or contempt and never seeking to truly know them or seek justice on their behalf. I wonder how I could follow Jesus and only be concerned and vocal about mercy but not justice? Maybe that is why I speak up now? I’m not sure? I wonder – wonder inspires faith – and I am learning faith initiates action.
I could go on and on but the journey is long, the questions many and the wonder growing. I hope you at least catch a glimpse of the confusion.
Obviously I don’t have all the answers to offer you or my students.
I have not yet found any answers as to what I might be in the fullest sense of my walk with God, I wonder, but I have been enlightened a bit (I suppose by God and personal reflection) as to a few things I am sure; I am not.
I am not a Christian (unless others say so). Someone once asked Gandhi “are you a Christian?” Gandhi replied "ask the poor they will tell you who the Christians are." Being a Christian is not a label or title, or most certainly not a descriptive I choose for myself – but one given me by the least of those, not the mightiest, the wisest, the richest, but the least. I do not believe it was ever a title chosen by the early followers of Jesus but an identity given by those who watched them live like Jesus lived. I am not much like Christ – but I really want to be.
I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well our air conditioning works, or how padded our pews and relaxing our atmospheres I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well and skillfully I exegete the truth and demands of God for me out of Scripture, or how many people I find to pat me on the back and remind me that it is ok not being comfortable. I am stirred, dis-eased, and desperate in my inner being. Deep down in my soul I long for rest but resist truly taking my rabbis yoke to follow Him and find it.
I am not content to remain as I am. Change must happen and it begins with me. It does not begin with my country or the world. It does not begin with the church or my school or my fellow teachers of missions. It begins with me making choices (often hard and frightening) about myself and my way of living and life. I must change lest I die, or rather, I must change so as to live. God did not call me to a physical death so as to live metaphorically up there, He called me to a metaphorical death so as to real – ly (with an emphasis on real) live down here.
I am not alone – God sits with me and sees my tears late at night and I believe He is the author of the stirrings and the questions, thus the wonder. He has accompanied me to the literal ends of the earth, and to the bowels of the city, ever present longing to do more with me and for me, often in spite of my reluctance to allow Him. He has sat patiently hearing my question of wonder, anger and discontent, “God why do you sit by and allow so much suffering, pain, hurt and injustice?); and then gently and painfully I hear Him ask me the same question.
Finally, I am not alone – others are convicted and confused. Others are neither comfortable nor content. Others are on similar journey as I. And maybe it is being honest and real with our uncertainty; wide eyed in wonder before our students – not having all the answers but sharing many of the same questions. Wondering, seeking, growing together – that could, possibly be some form of answer to the question raised in this workshop. And I wonder if that could open up a whole world of missions in our own classrooms and living rooms. I wonder!
That’s it – that is my confession.
Forgive me if I have offended you, threatened your faith, and confused you. I “certainly” had no intention of that. If I in any way have come across as arrogant or judgmental, please forgive me – it was not my intention and I pray not my nature. Please understand, I simply desired to open wide my heart to my friends and colleges. Seeking grace, love and companionship along my way.
Pray for me – maybe join me (if you are finding yourself on a similar situation) in this downwardly mobile journey toward God. But if no others share my discomfort and confusion – I am willing God to continue this journey of wonder and faith.
By Jim Beck
Teachers of missions 2007
I take the last part of that statement quite lightly. I am not professor material. I am not nearly as intelligent as my colleges in the bible dept at LCU or most of you. In reality I am simply an old drinker and drugie from the oilfields of Andrews Texas redeemed by a merciful God. For that reason I sometimes hesitate connection and interaction for fear my ignorance show. I am confessional (any student who has ever sat in class with me or any of you who have come to know me could confirm that. And I am convicted and passionate about Jesus (I hope they could confirm that as well). I really like His style, His way although I don’t often reflect them and therein lay my conviction and confusion.
In this confusion and conviction I have been doing some searching and suffering. Searching for a more “real” relationship with God and suffering because I am not finding it as I have expected. And on occasion when I do I realize I find Him, He seems to be in all the wrong places (in my drug addicted friends, the visitor off the streets without a home, the person who has lost everything, the radical non-conforming college kid) not in the places I have been led to expect to find Him. So the other night I cried out (nights are special times of connection and wonder) I had a long conversation with God. I cried (literally) for God to give me a plan, a vision, a blueprint of what this Christian thing is all about and how I fit into it (or maybe live outside what it has become) – and He answered but not as I expected. First, He reminded me he has sent a vision (and the word became flesh and we saw Him) and a blue print in Jesus. The problem is not that it is not evident; the problem is that I am not willing to truly see and follow.
He answered me with uncertainty. But this uncertainty I now realize, is leading me to faith. My uncertainty and questions concerning the seen are opening my imagination to the unseen and the certain unknown vastness of it. As I stand in and on the edge of the precipisless plane of God I realize how little I know (I see so unclearly and know so few parts -1Cor 13) and even how unsure I am about many of those things I think I do know – but this ignites wonder in me and wonder inspires faith.
Let me attempt to explain
I am not sure about church. I am not completely convinced that what we see as church and sometime fight so adamantly for are completely what God intended. But this uncertainty causes me to wonder could I be missing something , and if so, what am I missing? Could there be more to being a people called out of darkness into light, redeemed, refined, renewed and re-commissioned (a process I realize happens over and over in my life). Could it be about more than a “certain” set of beliefs, rituals and rules. About more than names on buildings, practices inside buildings and structures set to govern them. Could it have something to do with shared community, common journeys, safe places to fall and feel wanted and needed. I wonder what it could be and I find that I am wonder-full of the unknown expanse of god which I do not completely know and my faith in the unknown and unseen grows.
I am not sure about worship. I am not completely sure that my worship or our worship for that matter is determined by one hour one day a week. And my unsurety of the seen ignites wonder within me. Could worship be more than I realize? Could it be inspired by falling into the presence of God in all the unexpected places? Could it be the awe inspired when I found God had been present in the African stories and rituals of the Giryama that I so cleverly and creatively contextulized as “I took God to them?” Could it be the speechless stand provoked so often in me when I see Jesus in the poor the begger on the corner or the one struggling with drug addiction in my church; when I see glimpses of God’s love in them which I sometimes do not see in His followers. And could it be more about how I respond to them (the least) and therefore respond to Him which may have some impact or bearing on my worship of Him? I am not sure – and that uncertainty ignites wonder and that wonder inspires faith in the unseen.
I am not sure who is in and who is out? Who belongs and who should be rejected? Honestly, I not sure if that was meant to be my role in the first place? I am not sure about the criteria I have placed upon people as a litmus test for belonging? And it ignites wonder in me. And I wonder if as I once heard “disciples are know by their love” not simply their earthly associations and religious practices? I’m not sure if belonging and love was ever meant to be conditional. And I wonder if more would find love and belonging In Christ and among us for that matter if it seemed as if there weren’t seemingly conditions? That wonder inspires faith within me, and I am beginning to realize faith initiates action and I believe ( I think – I am not completely sure) I am learning to love and accept others unconditionally a little like Jesus.
I am not sure about missions. I am not sure my emphasis, seemingly first and foremost on church planting and not love was adequate? I am not sure that my going and doing should not have focused first on going and being… And I wonder if being merciful is different from showing mercy, if biting my tongue is different from being patient, if telling someone I love them is different from being loving? And I wonder if I sought first to love as He loved, could I inspire or instruct others around me to love as He loved and could they become a community of love and unity – thus fulfilling His means for the world knowing Jesus was sent by God and actually identifying who His disciples are? Wonder inspires faith, faith initiates action, and possibly action becomes love first and foremost. I wonder?
And I am not sure about me. I am not sure how I have lived for so long with so much among so many who have so little and remained comfortable and content with my life. I am not sure how I have stood as judge upon people (many I did not know) for so long deciding whether to show mercy or contempt and never seeking to truly know them or seek justice on their behalf. I wonder how I could follow Jesus and only be concerned and vocal about mercy but not justice? Maybe that is why I speak up now? I’m not sure? I wonder – wonder inspires faith – and I am learning faith initiates action.
I could go on and on but the journey is long, the questions many and the wonder growing. I hope you at least catch a glimpse of the confusion.
Obviously I don’t have all the answers to offer you or my students.
I have not yet found any answers as to what I might be in the fullest sense of my walk with God, I wonder, but I have been enlightened a bit (I suppose by God and personal reflection) as to a few things I am sure; I am not.
I am not a Christian (unless others say so). Someone once asked Gandhi “are you a Christian?” Gandhi replied "ask the poor they will tell you who the Christians are." Being a Christian is not a label or title, or most certainly not a descriptive I choose for myself – but one given me by the least of those, not the mightiest, the wisest, the richest, but the least. I do not believe it was ever a title chosen by the early followers of Jesus but an identity given by those who watched them live like Jesus lived. I am not much like Christ – but I really want to be.
I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well our air conditioning works, or how padded our pews and relaxing our atmospheres I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well and skillfully I exegete the truth and demands of God for me out of Scripture, or how many people I find to pat me on the back and remind me that it is ok not being comfortable. I am stirred, dis-eased, and desperate in my inner being. Deep down in my soul I long for rest but resist truly taking my rabbis yoke to follow Him and find it.
I am not content to remain as I am. Change must happen and it begins with me. It does not begin with my country or the world. It does not begin with the church or my school or my fellow teachers of missions. It begins with me making choices (often hard and frightening) about myself and my way of living and life. I must change lest I die, or rather, I must change so as to live. God did not call me to a physical death so as to live metaphorically up there, He called me to a metaphorical death so as to real – ly (with an emphasis on real) live down here.
I am not alone – God sits with me and sees my tears late at night and I believe He is the author of the stirrings and the questions, thus the wonder. He has accompanied me to the literal ends of the earth, and to the bowels of the city, ever present longing to do more with me and for me, often in spite of my reluctance to allow Him. He has sat patiently hearing my question of wonder, anger and discontent, “God why do you sit by and allow so much suffering, pain, hurt and injustice?); and then gently and painfully I hear Him ask me the same question.
Finally, I am not alone – others are convicted and confused. Others are neither comfortable nor content. Others are on similar journey as I. And maybe it is being honest and real with our uncertainty; wide eyed in wonder before our students – not having all the answers but sharing many of the same questions. Wondering, seeking, growing together – that could, possibly be some form of answer to the question raised in this workshop. And I wonder if that could open up a whole world of missions in our own classrooms and living rooms. I wonder!
That’s it – that is my confession.
Forgive me if I have offended you, threatened your faith, and confused you. I “certainly” had no intention of that. If I in any way have come across as arrogant or judgmental, please forgive me – it was not my intention and I pray not my nature. Please understand, I simply desired to open wide my heart to my friends and colleges. Seeking grace, love and companionship along my way.
Pray for me – maybe join me (if you are finding yourself on a similar situation) in this downwardly mobile journey toward God. But if no others share my discomfort and confusion – I am willing God to continue this journey of wonder and faith.
Still searching
The ongoing journey…
It gets worse at night. Late at night around 3:15 it seems each time. I wake up in agony – sometimes even in tears. My mind races and sometimes so does my heart. I can’t explain it, only experience it. I can’t fight it, ignore it or run it off – I have learned to just listen. I have come to the conclusion that the Lord of my life who’s throne rest upon my heart (the kingdom is within us) is taking one of the few options He has to get me to listen and hear as He stirs my heart. My life is so busy, my time so stretched, my mind so full I seldom stop to simply be still and know that He is God and listen. So He wakes me late at night.
He did it again recently. Yeah, I guess He knows I need my sleep so it does not happen every night or even often, though it seems to be more frequent these days. I awoke uncomfortable (I have spoken about this) and troubled. Once again the focus was on me. Not society, church, school, friends or family – but me. And I heard “you can’t be comfortable being quite.” It is funny how we the uncomfortable see things which seem so contrary to our Rabis ’ way; yet say so little. Oh, we talk to each other, we pray and even lament at times but for some reason we say little. I think I fear the repercussions which may come when I speak contrary to the accepted “way.” I fear persecution, rejection, ostracism from people. But was it not Jesus who said we may – no – we will be hated but not to be surprised because He was too. But, I think the thing I have feared the most is not being heard by those who need to hear, who I wish would hear. And what I find funnier is the fact that many outside of Christ and His kingdom seem to have ears to hear more clearly than those on the “inside” do. So – get this – out of fear of not being heard – I say nothing – guaranteeing I will not be heard – but somehow protecting me and making me feel better. Jim “you can’t be comfortable being silent anymore.”
So I am determined to speak. But, I still want to be heard ( I don’t mind being persecuted or rejected if I can be heard and sometimes if I handle persecution and rejection as Jesus did and desires – maybe that promotes hearing?) but I don’t want people to hear my message – I want my message to be God’s. So if I want my message to be God’s then my life must first be God’s. Here it goes getting personal again. I have to become like Jesus before I can speak like or on behalf of Jesus. I want to speak kindly, gracefully, passionately out of a kind, graceful, passionate life. I suppose the visual comes before the verbal. Can my ways be His ways and my thoughts be His thoughts? What does His way look like? I think that is some of my discomfort – I am not sure what I see depicted as His ways are always His ways and may sometimes even be contrary to His ways. But it doesn’t seem to be His ways which are most important for many but His thoughts only. It seems like if we just think or believe properly then our ways or how we live are not quite so important.
Let me illustrate. It is the consumer season called Christmas or the holidays. A time of year when after a day of thanks to God for all we have been given we go shopping in order to spend much of that on ourselves and our “loved” ones. We fill our bags and our credit cards in excess and then leave the store and are confronted with the pressing question of the season, “it seems,” do I say Merry Christmas to keep Christ in Christmas or happy holidays so as to not offend those not in “Christ?” Then we place our change in a red bucket, watched over often by a homeless man or woman and walk home (rather drive often in our luxury sedan) eager to wrap our gifts and anticipate the excitement of our “loved” ones as they open them. We feel OK and don’t think twice that maybe our Rabbi would see thing a bit differently. Maybe His greatest issue would not be with whether we say Merry Christmas or happy holidays (and to be honest I think He may prefer the later.) Nor do I think His greatest desire would be for us to place our change in a red bucket.
Maybe, could it be, His concern would be for the over-indulgence of a consumer society – encouraged IN HIS NAME. And could His concern be that our concern seems to be only for our “loved” ones and not His also (the bell ringer for instance). And might it be that an even deeper pain within His heart is the, not only, silence of His people but their unconscious participation in the consumer culture we all inhabit and “love.” Where is His voice in this? Is it portrayed as a debate about how to address the season – or should it be how to undress the season – to see it as it really is? Not a shopping frenzy or baby in a manger but an impoverished Jesus taking the form of the homeless bell ringer (Did He not say – “when you see one of the least – you see me”).
So I guess before I undress the season I need to undress me (not literally). I need to confess – I have been caught in the frenzy without question in the past. I can continue to do that no more. From now on my holidays will be lived differently. I will still buy gifts for my “loved” ones, because I love them, but not as many. I will be more conscience of the “loved” ones of Jesus that may be forgotten by the world and buy them some gifts. I will try to spend less and give more. I will talk to the bell ringers, the cashier and the waitress. I will seek to see Jesus in all of them and be Jesus to them if the opportunity should arise. And I will try to see more clearly and speak more openly about what I see. I pray someone will listen. I really need someone to talk to about this.
It gets worse at night. Late at night around 3:15 it seems each time. I wake up in agony – sometimes even in tears. My mind races and sometimes so does my heart. I can’t explain it, only experience it. I can’t fight it, ignore it or run it off – I have learned to just listen. I have come to the conclusion that the Lord of my life who’s throne rest upon my heart (the kingdom is within us) is taking one of the few options He has to get me to listen and hear as He stirs my heart. My life is so busy, my time so stretched, my mind so full I seldom stop to simply be still and know that He is God and listen. So He wakes me late at night.
He did it again recently. Yeah, I guess He knows I need my sleep so it does not happen every night or even often, though it seems to be more frequent these days. I awoke uncomfortable (I have spoken about this) and troubled. Once again the focus was on me. Not society, church, school, friends or family – but me. And I heard “you can’t be comfortable being quite.” It is funny how we the uncomfortable see things which seem so contrary to our Rabis ’ way; yet say so little. Oh, we talk to each other, we pray and even lament at times but for some reason we say little. I think I fear the repercussions which may come when I speak contrary to the accepted “way.” I fear persecution, rejection, ostracism from people. But was it not Jesus who said we may – no – we will be hated but not to be surprised because He was too. But, I think the thing I have feared the most is not being heard by those who need to hear, who I wish would hear. And what I find funnier is the fact that many outside of Christ and His kingdom seem to have ears to hear more clearly than those on the “inside” do. So – get this – out of fear of not being heard – I say nothing – guaranteeing I will not be heard – but somehow protecting me and making me feel better. Jim “you can’t be comfortable being silent anymore.”
So I am determined to speak. But, I still want to be heard ( I don’t mind being persecuted or rejected if I can be heard and sometimes if I handle persecution and rejection as Jesus did and desires – maybe that promotes hearing?) but I don’t want people to hear my message – I want my message to be God’s. So if I want my message to be God’s then my life must first be God’s. Here it goes getting personal again. I have to become like Jesus before I can speak like or on behalf of Jesus. I want to speak kindly, gracefully, passionately out of a kind, graceful, passionate life. I suppose the visual comes before the verbal. Can my ways be His ways and my thoughts be His thoughts? What does His way look like? I think that is some of my discomfort – I am not sure what I see depicted as His ways are always His ways and may sometimes even be contrary to His ways. But it doesn’t seem to be His ways which are most important for many but His thoughts only. It seems like if we just think or believe properly then our ways or how we live are not quite so important.
Let me illustrate. It is the consumer season called Christmas or the holidays. A time of year when after a day of thanks to God for all we have been given we go shopping in order to spend much of that on ourselves and our “loved” ones. We fill our bags and our credit cards in excess and then leave the store and are confronted with the pressing question of the season, “it seems,” do I say Merry Christmas to keep Christ in Christmas or happy holidays so as to not offend those not in “Christ?” Then we place our change in a red bucket, watched over often by a homeless man or woman and walk home (rather drive often in our luxury sedan) eager to wrap our gifts and anticipate the excitement of our “loved” ones as they open them. We feel OK and don’t think twice that maybe our Rabbi would see thing a bit differently. Maybe His greatest issue would not be with whether we say Merry Christmas or happy holidays (and to be honest I think He may prefer the later.) Nor do I think His greatest desire would be for us to place our change in a red bucket.
Maybe, could it be, His concern would be for the over-indulgence of a consumer society – encouraged IN HIS NAME. And could His concern be that our concern seems to be only for our “loved” ones and not His also (the bell ringer for instance). And might it be that an even deeper pain within His heart is the, not only, silence of His people but their unconscious participation in the consumer culture we all inhabit and “love.” Where is His voice in this? Is it portrayed as a debate about how to address the season – or should it be how to undress the season – to see it as it really is? Not a shopping frenzy or baby in a manger but an impoverished Jesus taking the form of the homeless bell ringer (Did He not say – “when you see one of the least – you see me”).
So I guess before I undress the season I need to undress me (not literally). I need to confess – I have been caught in the frenzy without question in the past. I can continue to do that no more. From now on my holidays will be lived differently. I will still buy gifts for my “loved” ones, because I love them, but not as many. I will be more conscience of the “loved” ones of Jesus that may be forgotten by the world and buy them some gifts. I will try to spend less and give more. I will talk to the bell ringers, the cashier and the waitress. I will seek to see Jesus in all of them and be Jesus to them if the opportunity should arise. And I will try to see more clearly and speak more openly about what I see. I pray someone will listen. I really need someone to talk to about this.
Journey continues
The Journey continues
Has it become so commercialized, mechanized and formalized – this ministry thing. Have we made it a business (bidness as in the city) and not a bidding to come and follow the rabbi? I am beginning to realize I can serve for various reasons, not always noble or Christlike. I can serve…
Because I am supposed to – aren’t we all called to serve and do good deeds. It is funny how it really kicks in around Christmas. Either people are not hungry and cold the rest of the year or maybe it makes us feel better about our selfish excess we lavish upon ourselves and those we “love.” And then the rabbi says love your enemies. I hear him but even worse I have to watch him as he actually does it and seems to really love them (the leper, prostitute, Samaritan) and maybe even like them and feel comfortable among them. There is that comfort thing again. Where would he be comfortable today? In our air conditioned buildings or our dusty alleys? This yoking myself to this rabbi is really screwing things up for me.
Because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am OK. It is funny how serving not OK people really makes we who are OK feel good about ourselves and our “christianity – very small c”. Oh God, how can I continue to be comfortable having so much and dwelling among and in a world which has so little? Ignore them, I can do that. I can look the other way. I can focus on religion or church. And then my rabbi tells me a story of a Samaritan. I hear him but even worse I have to watch him, recognizing the unrecognizable, the forgotten and paying attention to them above and beyond the righteous (the OK). Separate ourselves from them – don’t dwell among them, I can do that – especially with thick walls. I can surround myself with OK people like me and study mind consuming and diverting subjects (Kierkegaard was right we are a “bunch of scheming swindlers.”) Then my rabbi, you know he says something about coming for the sick not the healthy, and I watch him. Touch the untouchable, defend the indefensible, eat with the unclean, celebrate the short guy, die with the criminal? I thought this yoke was going to be light? I can rationalize or spiritualize wasn’t it the rabbi who said “the poor will always be with us?” I wonder where are they? Are they really among us or outside us? Do I see myself as a part of them or above them? God make these question go away – they increase my dis-ease. What difference can I make anyway. And then I watch my Rabbi in that lepers house having his feet washed by a prostitute and I hear him say those words about the poor being with us. And I realize they really were always around him. Of course they were, He was there friend and the poor are always among us because the empires of this world will always produce poor people, and poor people will come to the church to find a home and a friend (or at least I think it should work that way) and be filled as the rich are sent away wanting. God what went wrong? At what point did we remove the yoke?
Because I get out of church Sunday, or get to go on a fun trip (a “mission” trip). A servant and experiential attitude is present but experiencing the pain and hurt of the masses is not our primary goal. It not only makes us feel good it makes me look good too. One sure way to feel good about your own self is serve people “worse” off than you.
Or is it fueled by a desire, a calling to both see and be our Lord in the midst of the poor and hurting. He has been there in their midst along, though often disguised in figures and forms we don’t recognize to be royalty and which oftentimes repel us. I suppose that is why he tells us to look for Him in the least of these. Maybe He wants us to really see Him as He is (not as we imagine Him to be) – and allow Him to make us as we should be. Maybe He can’t love them the way he wants to love them without our hands and hearts and lips. Maybe we are to go and love because He goes and loves through us. And if we don’t go and love we hinder Him from going and loving.
After searching for a homeless friend and finding Him in order to provide shelter on a cold December night I heard the heart of God thank me. I tried to thank Him but He thanked me reminding me He loved Him first. And I realized it was God who wanted him warm not me. He didn’t insist he be drug free, repentant, or holy – only warm. It was God searching for him.
Can you feel His heart breaking as He dwells in the lives of the poor and has so few to point Him out inside their hearts. Can you hear Him wailing because He wants them to know the kingdom of God is within them too – but has no lips to speak with. Can we feel the tug of his hands against the nails which keep his hands secured to the cross within us (often times worn figuratively just above our hearts) – not allowing His hands to reach out and hold them. Maybe, just maybe, we are supposed to go because that is where our Lord is. And where He is – I want to be. And where He is – there I need to be. Here I am Lord – sorry it took so long.
Has it become so commercialized, mechanized and formalized – this ministry thing. Have we made it a business (bidness as in the city) and not a bidding to come and follow the rabbi? I am beginning to realize I can serve for various reasons, not always noble or Christlike. I can serve…
Because I am supposed to – aren’t we all called to serve and do good deeds. It is funny how it really kicks in around Christmas. Either people are not hungry and cold the rest of the year or maybe it makes us feel better about our selfish excess we lavish upon ourselves and those we “love.” And then the rabbi says love your enemies. I hear him but even worse I have to watch him as he actually does it and seems to really love them (the leper, prostitute, Samaritan) and maybe even like them and feel comfortable among them. There is that comfort thing again. Where would he be comfortable today? In our air conditioned buildings or our dusty alleys? This yoking myself to this rabbi is really screwing things up for me.
Because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am OK. It is funny how serving not OK people really makes we who are OK feel good about ourselves and our “christianity – very small c”. Oh God, how can I continue to be comfortable having so much and dwelling among and in a world which has so little? Ignore them, I can do that. I can look the other way. I can focus on religion or church. And then my rabbi tells me a story of a Samaritan. I hear him but even worse I have to watch him, recognizing the unrecognizable, the forgotten and paying attention to them above and beyond the righteous (the OK). Separate ourselves from them – don’t dwell among them, I can do that – especially with thick walls. I can surround myself with OK people like me and study mind consuming and diverting subjects (Kierkegaard was right we are a “bunch of scheming swindlers.”) Then my rabbi, you know he says something about coming for the sick not the healthy, and I watch him. Touch the untouchable, defend the indefensible, eat with the unclean, celebrate the short guy, die with the criminal? I thought this yoke was going to be light? I can rationalize or spiritualize wasn’t it the rabbi who said “the poor will always be with us?” I wonder where are they? Are they really among us or outside us? Do I see myself as a part of them or above them? God make these question go away – they increase my dis-ease. What difference can I make anyway. And then I watch my Rabbi in that lepers house having his feet washed by a prostitute and I hear him say those words about the poor being with us. And I realize they really were always around him. Of course they were, He was there friend and the poor are always among us because the empires of this world will always produce poor people, and poor people will come to the church to find a home and a friend (or at least I think it should work that way) and be filled as the rich are sent away wanting. God what went wrong? At what point did we remove the yoke?
Because I get out of church Sunday, or get to go on a fun trip (a “mission” trip). A servant and experiential attitude is present but experiencing the pain and hurt of the masses is not our primary goal. It not only makes us feel good it makes me look good too. One sure way to feel good about your own self is serve people “worse” off than you.
Or is it fueled by a desire, a calling to both see and be our Lord in the midst of the poor and hurting. He has been there in their midst along, though often disguised in figures and forms we don’t recognize to be royalty and which oftentimes repel us. I suppose that is why he tells us to look for Him in the least of these. Maybe He wants us to really see Him as He is (not as we imagine Him to be) – and allow Him to make us as we should be. Maybe He can’t love them the way he wants to love them without our hands and hearts and lips. Maybe we are to go and love because He goes and loves through us. And if we don’t go and love we hinder Him from going and loving.
After searching for a homeless friend and finding Him in order to provide shelter on a cold December night I heard the heart of God thank me. I tried to thank Him but He thanked me reminding me He loved Him first. And I realized it was God who wanted him warm not me. He didn’t insist he be drug free, repentant, or holy – only warm. It was God searching for him.
Can you feel His heart breaking as He dwells in the lives of the poor and has so few to point Him out inside their hearts. Can you hear Him wailing because He wants them to know the kingdom of God is within them too – but has no lips to speak with. Can we feel the tug of his hands against the nails which keep his hands secured to the cross within us (often times worn figuratively just above our hearts) – not allowing His hands to reach out and hold them. Maybe, just maybe, we are supposed to go because that is where our Lord is. And where He is – I want to be. And where He is – there I need to be. Here I am Lord – sorry it took so long.
Wonderings and wanderings
Confessions of a Convicted and Confused Professor
By Jim Beck
Chapel 11/6/2006
I take the last part of that statement quite lightly. I am not professor material. I am not nearly as intelligent as my colleges in the bible dept or any of the other departments on campus. For that reason I sometimes hesitate connection and interaction for fear my ignorance show. I am confessional (any student who has ever sat in class with me will confirm that and I am convicted and passionate about this Jesus Guy (I hope they could confirm that as well). I really like His style although I don’t often reflect His style and therein lay my conviction and confusion.
In this confusion and conviction I have been doing some searching and suffering. Searching for a more “real” relationship with God and suffering because I am not finding it. And on occasion when I do I realize I find Him, He seems to be in all the wrong places (in my drug addicted friends, the visitor off the streets without a home, the person who has lost everything, the radical non-conforming college kid) not in the places I have been led to expect to find Him. So I cried out the other night (nights are special times of connection) I had a long conversation with God. I cried (literally) to God to give me a plan, a vision, a blueprint of what this Christian thing is all about and how I fit into it (or live outside what it has become) – and He answered but not as I expected. First He reminded me he has sent a vision (and the word became flesh and we saw Him) and a blue print in Jesus. The problem is not that it is not evident; the problem is that I am not willing to truly see and follow.
I have not yet found any answers as to what I might be in the fullest sense of my walk with God, but I have been enlightened (I suppose by God and personal reflection) as to what I am not. And these I share with you as a beginning of a journey (my journey) toward God.
I am not a Christian. Someone once asked Gandhi “are you a Christian?” Gandhi replied "ask the poor they will tell you who the Christians are." Being a Christian is not a label or title, or most certainly not a descriptive I choose for myself – but one given me by the least of these, not the mightiest, the wisest, the richest. I do not believe it was ever a title chosen by the early followers of Jesus but an identity given by those who watched them live. I am not much like Christ – but I really want to be.
I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well our air conditioning works, or how padded our pews and relaxing our atmospheres I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well and skillfully I exegete the truth and demands of God for me out of Scripture, or how many people I find to pat me on the back and remind me that it is ok not being comfortable. I am stirred, dis-eased, and desperate in my inner being. Deep down in my soul I long for rest but resist taking my rabbis yoke to truly follow Him and find it.
I am not content to remain as I am. Change must happen and it begins with me. It does not begin with my country or the world. It does not begin with the church or my school. It begins with me making choices (often hard and frightening) about myself and my way of living and life. I must change lest I die, or rather, I must change so as to live. God did not call me to a physical death so as to live metaphorically up there, He called me to a metaphorical death so as to real – ly (with an emphasis on real) live down here.
I am not alone – God sits with me and sees my tears late at night and I believe He is the author of the stirrings. He has accompanied me to the literal ends of the earth, and to the bowels of the city, ever present longing to do more with me and for me, often in spite of my reluctance to allow Him. He has sat quietly hearing my question of wonder, anger and discontent, “God why do you sit by and allow so much suffering, pain and hurt?); and then gently and painfully hear Him ask me the same question.
Finally, I am not alone – others are convicted and confused. Others are neither comfortable nor content. Others are on similar searches as I.
That’s it – that is my confession.
Pray for me – maybe join me in this downwardly mobile journey toward God. But if no others share my discomfort and confusion – I am willing God to begin my journey.
You are free to Go – Metaphorically and Real – ly.
By Jim Beck
Chapel 11/6/2006
I take the last part of that statement quite lightly. I am not professor material. I am not nearly as intelligent as my colleges in the bible dept or any of the other departments on campus. For that reason I sometimes hesitate connection and interaction for fear my ignorance show. I am confessional (any student who has ever sat in class with me will confirm that and I am convicted and passionate about this Jesus Guy (I hope they could confirm that as well). I really like His style although I don’t often reflect His style and therein lay my conviction and confusion.
In this confusion and conviction I have been doing some searching and suffering. Searching for a more “real” relationship with God and suffering because I am not finding it. And on occasion when I do I realize I find Him, He seems to be in all the wrong places (in my drug addicted friends, the visitor off the streets without a home, the person who has lost everything, the radical non-conforming college kid) not in the places I have been led to expect to find Him. So I cried out the other night (nights are special times of connection) I had a long conversation with God. I cried (literally) to God to give me a plan, a vision, a blueprint of what this Christian thing is all about and how I fit into it (or live outside what it has become) – and He answered but not as I expected. First He reminded me he has sent a vision (and the word became flesh and we saw Him) and a blue print in Jesus. The problem is not that it is not evident; the problem is that I am not willing to truly see and follow.
I have not yet found any answers as to what I might be in the fullest sense of my walk with God, but I have been enlightened (I suppose by God and personal reflection) as to what I am not. And these I share with you as a beginning of a journey (my journey) toward God.
I am not a Christian. Someone once asked Gandhi “are you a Christian?” Gandhi replied "ask the poor they will tell you who the Christians are." Being a Christian is not a label or title, or most certainly not a descriptive I choose for myself – but one given me by the least of these, not the mightiest, the wisest, the richest. I do not believe it was ever a title chosen by the early followers of Jesus but an identity given by those who watched them live. I am not much like Christ – but I really want to be.
I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well our air conditioning works, or how padded our pews and relaxing our atmospheres I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well and skillfully I exegete the truth and demands of God for me out of Scripture, or how many people I find to pat me on the back and remind me that it is ok not being comfortable. I am stirred, dis-eased, and desperate in my inner being. Deep down in my soul I long for rest but resist taking my rabbis yoke to truly follow Him and find it.
I am not content to remain as I am. Change must happen and it begins with me. It does not begin with my country or the world. It does not begin with the church or my school. It begins with me making choices (often hard and frightening) about myself and my way of living and life. I must change lest I die, or rather, I must change so as to live. God did not call me to a physical death so as to live metaphorically up there, He called me to a metaphorical death so as to real – ly (with an emphasis on real) live down here.
I am not alone – God sits with me and sees my tears late at night and I believe He is the author of the stirrings. He has accompanied me to the literal ends of the earth, and to the bowels of the city, ever present longing to do more with me and for me, often in spite of my reluctance to allow Him. He has sat quietly hearing my question of wonder, anger and discontent, “God why do you sit by and allow so much suffering, pain and hurt?); and then gently and painfully hear Him ask me the same question.
Finally, I am not alone – others are convicted and confused. Others are neither comfortable nor content. Others are on similar searches as I.
That’s it – that is my confession.
Pray for me – maybe join me in this downwardly mobile journey toward God. But if no others share my discomfort and confusion – I am willing God to begin my journey.
You are free to Go – Metaphorically and Real – ly.
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