Faith and wonder?

Confessions of a Convicted and Confused Professor
By Jim Beck
Teachers of missions 2007

I take the last part of that statement quite lightly. I am not professor material. I am not nearly as intelligent as my colleges in the bible dept at LCU or most of you. In reality I am simply an old drinker and drugie from the oilfields of Andrews Texas redeemed by a merciful God. For that reason I sometimes hesitate connection and interaction for fear my ignorance show. I am confessional (any student who has ever sat in class with me or any of you who have come to know me could confirm that. And I am convicted and passionate about Jesus (I hope they could confirm that as well). I really like His style, His way although I don’t often reflect them and therein lay my conviction and confusion.
In this confusion and conviction I have been doing some searching and suffering. Searching for a more “real” relationship with God and suffering because I am not finding it as I have expected. And on occasion when I do I realize I find Him, He seems to be in all the wrong places (in my drug addicted friends, the visitor off the streets without a home, the person who has lost everything, the radical non-conforming college kid) not in the places I have been led to expect to find Him. So the other night I cried out (nights are special times of connection and wonder) I had a long conversation with God. I cried (literally) for God to give me a plan, a vision, a blueprint of what this Christian thing is all about and how I fit into it (or maybe live outside what it has become) – and He answered but not as I expected. First, He reminded me he has sent a vision (and the word became flesh and we saw Him) and a blue print in Jesus. The problem is not that it is not evident; the problem is that I am not willing to truly see and follow.
He answered me with uncertainty. But this uncertainty I now realize, is leading me to faith. My uncertainty and questions concerning the seen are opening my imagination to the unseen and the certain unknown vastness of it. As I stand in and on the edge of the precipisless plane of God I realize how little I know (I see so unclearly and know so few parts -1Cor 13) and even how unsure I am about many of those things I think I do know – but this ignites wonder in me and wonder inspires faith.
Let me attempt to explain

I am not sure about church. I am not completely convinced that what we see as church and sometime fight so adamantly for are completely what God intended. But this uncertainty causes me to wonder could I be missing something , and if so, what am I missing? Could there be more to being a people called out of darkness into light, redeemed, refined, renewed and re-commissioned (a process I realize happens over and over in my life). Could it be about more than a “certain” set of beliefs, rituals and rules. About more than names on buildings, practices inside buildings and structures set to govern them. Could it have something to do with shared community, common journeys, safe places to fall and feel wanted and needed. I wonder what it could be and I find that I am wonder-full of the unknown expanse of god which I do not completely know and my faith in the unknown and unseen grows.
I am not sure about worship. I am not completely sure that my worship or our worship for that matter is determined by one hour one day a week. And my unsurety of the seen ignites wonder within me. Could worship be more than I realize? Could it be inspired by falling into the presence of God in all the unexpected places? Could it be the awe inspired when I found God had been present in the African stories and rituals of the Giryama that I so cleverly and creatively contextulized as “I took God to them?” Could it be the speechless stand provoked so often in me when I see Jesus in the poor the begger on the corner or the one struggling with drug addiction in my church; when I see glimpses of God’s love in them which I sometimes do not see in His followers. And could it be more about how I respond to them (the least) and therefore respond to Him which may have some impact or bearing on my worship of Him? I am not sure – and that uncertainty ignites wonder and that wonder inspires faith in the unseen.
I am not sure who is in and who is out? Who belongs and who should be rejected? Honestly, I not sure if that was meant to be my role in the first place? I am not sure about the criteria I have placed upon people as a litmus test for belonging? And it ignites wonder in me. And I wonder if as I once heard “disciples are know by their love” not simply their earthly associations and religious practices? I’m not sure if belonging and love was ever meant to be conditional. And I wonder if more would find love and belonging In Christ and among us for that matter if it seemed as if there weren’t seemingly conditions? That wonder inspires faith within me, and I am beginning to realize faith initiates action and I believe ( I think – I am not completely sure) I am learning to love and accept others unconditionally a little like Jesus.
I am not sure about missions. I am not sure my emphasis, seemingly first and foremost on church planting and not love was adequate? I am not sure that my going and doing should not have focused first on going and being… And I wonder if being merciful is different from showing mercy, if biting my tongue is different from being patient, if telling someone I love them is different from being loving? And I wonder if I sought first to love as He loved, could I inspire or instruct others around me to love as He loved and could they become a community of love and unity – thus fulfilling His means for the world knowing Jesus was sent by God and actually identifying who His disciples are? Wonder inspires faith, faith initiates action, and possibly action becomes love first and foremost. I wonder?
And I am not sure about me. I am not sure how I have lived for so long with so much among so many who have so little and remained comfortable and content with my life. I am not sure how I have stood as judge upon people (many I did not know) for so long deciding whether to show mercy or contempt and never seeking to truly know them or seek justice on their behalf. I wonder how I could follow Jesus and only be concerned and vocal about mercy but not justice? Maybe that is why I speak up now? I’m not sure? I wonder – wonder inspires faith – and I am learning faith initiates action.
I could go on and on but the journey is long, the questions many and the wonder growing. I hope you at least catch a glimpse of the confusion.

Obviously I don’t have all the answers to offer you or my students.


I have not yet found any answers as to what I might be in the fullest sense of my walk with God, I wonder, but I have been enlightened a bit (I suppose by God and personal reflection) as to a few things I am sure; I am not.
I am not a Christian (unless others say so). Someone once asked Gandhi “are you a Christian?” Gandhi replied "ask the poor they will tell you who the Christians are." Being a Christian is not a label or title, or most certainly not a descriptive I choose for myself – but one given me by the least of those, not the mightiest, the wisest, the richest, but the least. I do not believe it was ever a title chosen by the early followers of Jesus but an identity given by those who watched them live like Jesus lived. I am not much like Christ – but I really want to be.
I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well our air conditioning works, or how padded our pews and relaxing our atmospheres I am not comfortable. Regardless of how well and skillfully I exegete the truth and demands of God for me out of Scripture, or how many people I find to pat me on the back and remind me that it is ok not being comfortable. I am stirred, dis-eased, and desperate in my inner being. Deep down in my soul I long for rest but resist truly taking my rabbis yoke to follow Him and find it.
I am not content to remain as I am. Change must happen and it begins with me. It does not begin with my country or the world. It does not begin with the church or my school or my fellow teachers of missions. It begins with me making choices (often hard and frightening) about myself and my way of living and life. I must change lest I die, or rather, I must change so as to live. God did not call me to a physical death so as to live metaphorically up there, He called me to a metaphorical death so as to real – ly (with an emphasis on real) live down here.
I am not alone – God sits with me and sees my tears late at night and I believe He is the author of the stirrings and the questions, thus the wonder. He has accompanied me to the literal ends of the earth, and to the bowels of the city, ever present longing to do more with me and for me, often in spite of my reluctance to allow Him. He has sat patiently hearing my question of wonder, anger and discontent, “God why do you sit by and allow so much suffering, pain, hurt and injustice?); and then gently and painfully I hear Him ask me the same question.
Finally, I am not alone – others are convicted and confused. Others are neither comfortable nor content. Others are on similar journey as I. And maybe it is being honest and real with our uncertainty; wide eyed in wonder before our students – not having all the answers but sharing many of the same questions. Wondering, seeking, growing together – that could, possibly be some form of answer to the question raised in this workshop. And I wonder if that could open up a whole world of missions in our own classrooms and living rooms. I wonder!
That’s it – that is my confession.
Forgive me if I have offended you, threatened your faith, and confused you. I “certainly” had no intention of that. If I in any way have come across as arrogant or judgmental, please forgive me – it was not my intention and I pray not my nature. Please understand, I simply desired to open wide my heart to my friends and colleges. Seeking grace, love and companionship along my way.
Pray for me – maybe join me (if you are finding yourself on a similar situation) in this downwardly mobile journey toward God. But if no others share my discomfort and confusion – I am willing God to continue this journey of wonder and faith.