Still searching

The ongoing journey…

It gets worse at night. Late at night around 3:15 it seems each time. I wake up in agony – sometimes even in tears. My mind races and sometimes so does my heart. I can’t explain it, only experience it. I can’t fight it, ignore it or run it off – I have learned to just listen. I have come to the conclusion that the Lord of my life who’s throne rest upon my heart (the kingdom is within us) is taking one of the few options He has to get me to listen and hear as He stirs my heart. My life is so busy, my time so stretched, my mind so full I seldom stop to simply be still and know that He is God and listen. So He wakes me late at night.
He did it again recently. Yeah, I guess He knows I need my sleep so it does not happen every night or even often, though it seems to be more frequent these days. I awoke uncomfortable (I have spoken about this) and troubled. Once again the focus was on me. Not society, church, school, friends or family – but me. And I heard “you can’t be comfortable being quite.” It is funny how we the uncomfortable see things which seem so contrary to our Rabis ’ way; yet say so little. Oh, we talk to each other, we pray and even lament at times but for some reason we say little. I think I fear the repercussions which may come when I speak contrary to the accepted “way.” I fear persecution, rejection, ostracism from people. But was it not Jesus who said we may – no – we will be hated but not to be surprised because He was too. But, I think the thing I have feared the most is not being heard by those who need to hear, who I wish would hear. And what I find funnier is the fact that many outside of Christ and His kingdom seem to have ears to hear more clearly than those on the “inside” do. So – get this – out of fear of not being heard – I say nothing – guaranteeing I will not be heard – but somehow protecting me and making me feel better. Jim “you can’t be comfortable being silent anymore.”
So I am determined to speak. But, I still want to be heard ( I don’t mind being persecuted or rejected if I can be heard and sometimes if I handle persecution and rejection as Jesus did and desires – maybe that promotes hearing?) but I don’t want people to hear my message – I want my message to be God’s. So if I want my message to be God’s then my life must first be God’s. Here it goes getting personal again. I have to become like Jesus before I can speak like or on behalf of Jesus. I want to speak kindly, gracefully, passionately out of a kind, graceful, passionate life. I suppose the visual comes before the verbal. Can my ways be His ways and my thoughts be His thoughts? What does His way look like? I think that is some of my discomfort – I am not sure what I see depicted as His ways are always His ways and may sometimes even be contrary to His ways. But it doesn’t seem to be His ways which are most important for many but His thoughts only. It seems like if we just think or believe properly then our ways or how we live are not quite so important.
Let me illustrate. It is the consumer season called Christmas or the holidays. A time of year when after a day of thanks to God for all we have been given we go shopping in order to spend much of that on ourselves and our “loved” ones. We fill our bags and our credit cards in excess and then leave the store and are confronted with the pressing question of the season, “it seems,” do I say Merry Christmas to keep Christ in Christmas or happy holidays so as to not offend those not in “Christ?” Then we place our change in a red bucket, watched over often by a homeless man or woman and walk home (rather drive often in our luxury sedan) eager to wrap our gifts and anticipate the excitement of our “loved” ones as they open them. We feel OK and don’t think twice that maybe our Rabbi would see thing a bit differently. Maybe His greatest issue would not be with whether we say Merry Christmas or happy holidays (and to be honest I think He may prefer the later.) Nor do I think His greatest desire would be for us to place our change in a red bucket.
Maybe, could it be, His concern would be for the over-indulgence of a consumer society – encouraged IN HIS NAME. And could His concern be that our concern seems to be only for our “loved” ones and not His also (the bell ringer for instance). And might it be that an even deeper pain within His heart is the, not only, silence of His people but their unconscious participation in the consumer culture we all inhabit and “love.” Where is His voice in this? Is it portrayed as a debate about how to address the season – or should it be how to undress the season – to see it as it really is? Not a shopping frenzy or baby in a manger but an impoverished Jesus taking the form of the homeless bell ringer (Did He not say – “when you see one of the least – you see me”).
So I guess before I undress the season I need to undress me (not literally). I need to confess – I have been caught in the frenzy without question in the past. I can continue to do that no more. From now on my holidays will be lived differently. I will still buy gifts for my “loved” ones, because I love them, but not as many. I will be more conscience of the “loved” ones of Jesus that may be forgotten by the world and buy them some gifts. I will try to spend less and give more. I will talk to the bell ringers, the cashier and the waitress. I will seek to see Jesus in all of them and be Jesus to them if the opportunity should arise. And I will try to see more clearly and speak more openly about what I see. I pray someone will listen. I really need someone to talk to about this.